I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
