The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
