Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
