I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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