too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
