3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
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Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
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Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize