apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
