How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Vodka?
Forever.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
