Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
