So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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