I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
