I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
