Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
