I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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