Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hippo gnu deer
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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