fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
It's just like the Real World with babies
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You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
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we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you