Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid