There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
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She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.