Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection