she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
