Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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