he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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