We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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