my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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