I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
