I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
