I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You need Xanax blowdarts
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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