guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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