Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
