she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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