Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm passing your future prison.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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