She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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