What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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