Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
