Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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