I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
