Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
