well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
