How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
