Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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