i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
