the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
