Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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