god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
