How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Vodka?
Forever.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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