I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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