Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
