based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
