Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
