the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
