i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
only you would photoshop your dick
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
