Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
