Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
