Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I did not marry a roomba.
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