I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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