i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
