she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
