FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
