i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize